The Story God Wrote - The Testimony of Hanna Mae Shields

 

I’m not going to pretend as if I have the words to justify it. Truth be told, there’s not a single set of words in our finite language that can explain the miracle of what He has done. Yet, here I am, asking Him to give me the strength to do just that. 

I got saved on a Good Friday when I was twelve years old. Our pastor at the time had chosen to preach on the rapture of the church and how that tied into Jesus’ death on the cross for our reconciliation. He began his message with a video of a large congregation in worship on the day of rapture- half of them suddenly taken, the other half left behind. For those left, there was weeping and there was sorrow at the realization of what had taken place. For them, it was to late. And it was in that moment that I realized the urgency and importance of making myself right with God. 

That night, I lay in bed tossing and turning. I couldn’t get the thought out of my head. My heart was burning for a relationship I never knew I needed. My eyes had been opened to the consequences of my sin. And it was in that moment that I knelt beside my bed and surrendered my life to Christ. 

While I was hungry to learn and grow in relationship thereafter, I often allowed my circumstances to control my aspirations and desires. As a competitive gymnast, I was conditioned to dedicate 100% of myself to excelling in the sport mentally, emotionally, and physically. Mentally, I had to stay disciplined. Emotionally, I had to stay sound. And physically, I had to keep my body up to par. Allowing any of these three aspects to lack was detrimental, and often looked down on. 

Naturally, the sport became my identity- it was my first love and all-encompassing release from any outside stressors. I dedicated my entire life to it- trying to meet up to the standards I always felt were expected of me- and slowly began to slip into a horrible state of depression. For four long years, I struggled with female athletes’ syndrome, a form of anorexia specifically targeting women in high-impact sports. Constantly being told that I was not the right shape, stature, or personality to be successful, I became dissatisfied with who I was and did everything I could to change it. 

Nothing seemed to work. 

By the age of seventeen, I had reached rock bottom. I was five-foot seven weighing only eighty-six pounds. I remember looking at myself in the mirror wondering how I got to that point- feeling alone, as if I was to far gone to be salvaged from the rubble I had built to bury my circumstances. I prayed, but truly believed that God didn’t hear me, so I continued to take matters into my own hands- going to practice where I thought I could give my pain meaning and somehow make everything right. 

During this time, it was clear to me that God was leading me in a different direction. I no longer enjoyed the sport, and felt physically sick every time I stepped foot in the gym. I told Him I would leave it in the past eventually, but never held to that promise until I was forced to on a cold day in the early months of 2017. I went to do a routine tumbling pass and fell directly onto my face and neck, bruising my ribs and straining all of my back muscles in the process.  I was told it was a miracle that I hadn’t injured myself worse, and understood it as God’s final warning to me. 

From that point on, I never went back. 

I felt I had nothing- no purpose, no identity, no support- in that moment. I disliked who I was and felt that no one else really cared for it either. There were times I felt like ending it all-going to Heaven where I knew I wouldn’t hurt anymore. But it was in this moment that the Lord began to work in me. He directed me to a new church where I strived to be involved in their community. Many people took me under their wing and helped me grow as a Christian and as an individual despite not knowing anything about my past and the scars it had left on me. There I was given the opportunity to join a mission team going to Brazil. 

At the time, I was in my second year of college at a secular university, living with my grandparents, and attending Christian counseling sessions down state. I did not believe it was possible for me to raise the money to go on a mission trip to South America, nor did I believe I was capable of doing the ministries necessary. My grandma, however, saw the potential and convinced me to give God a chance to work through it. 

In a period of about three months, I had raised all the money I needed to go. And that August we took off for the Amazon Jungle. It was there that God shook me to the core, revealing to me the abundant need for salvation among the lost. So much so, that I came home burdened and heavy, feeling guilty for all the years I spent chasing after my own selfish dreams and desires. 

But it wasn’t Brazil that I had a burden for.

That same year, I had the opportunity to visit Australia for the first time with my family. My Dad had been an exchange student there in high school and we had been saving all of my life to go back. While there, I accrued a longing to reach the people with the Gospel of Christ. And I was shocked by the very small amount of people who actually showed any interest. 

In June of 2018, as we boarded the plane to return home, my Mom turned to me and said, “Take a good look out your window because this may be the last time you ever see it.” And I’ll never forget that overwhelming feeling of peace as I sat in the plane staring out my window at what strangely felt like home. I turned to her and said, “I’m confident I’ll see it again. I think I want to come back as a missionary.” 

That statement weighed heavy on my mind for every day thereafter and I began to take steps toward making it a reality. I resigned from the secular university I was attending and transferred to Colorado Christian University to take an online Communications Degree. I then called ABWE and looked into a possible internship. In December I was accepted into university and in January, I had tickets back to Australia as a missionary intern. Everything seemed to be falling into place, and then I got sick... 

Just days after being accepted into the internship program through ABWE, I was diagnosed with Eosinophilic Esophagitis, a rare autoimmune disease that currently does not have a cure. Because they caught it late, I was scheduled for throat surgeries every six weeks from January until November of 2019. I was on a very strict diet, unable to eat any type of allergen until the unforeseeable future, so traveling to Australia seemed not only unlikely, but somewhat dangerous. 

However, the Lord gave me peace. Despite the setback, He made a way, and on May 1st, 2019, I landed in Sydney, Australia for my three-month internship. 

The events of this time are history. If nothing else, they confirmed God’s calling on my life to that part of the world and filled me with a passion for the Australian people. It was during my third week there that I fully surrendered my life to serving on the Lord’s field, and to this day, I have never looked back. 

The year 2019 was the craziest, most life-altering year of my life for many reasons. I was diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that I may or may not have to deal with for the rest of my life, yet I was still blessed with the opportunity to travel to Australia as a missionary where I was called into full-time service. Only a month following that, the Lord put me in the path of my husband who has blessed me and caused me to heal and flourish in more ways than I could have ever imagined. We got married in December of that same year, and now serve the Lord happily together. 

As I look back at my life, I am overwhelmed with the reality of God’s power to heal and renew. There was a time I felt lost, alone, and abandoned, yet He took the broken pieces and built something far more beautiful than I could have ever hoped or dreamed. 

Years ago, I never would have thought it possible to love life the way I do despite its difficulties. I never thought I could feel such an overwhelming burden for a people group I hardly know. And though I may not have the words to describe it, I pray that my actions would speak louder than those ever could. 

The Lord took my broken past and changed it for good. He gave me a joy I can hardly contain and a passion I can’t help but do my very best to live out each and every day. He saved my life more times than I could ever truly count and counted me worthy of not only the blessings and opportunities He has bestowed, but also the hardships. 

As was told me many years back, living a life for Jesus is truly the best life there is. 

Praise Him for the privilege we have to do just that.

Psalm 30:11- "You have changed my mourning into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."