“You’re Young, You Can Handle It”- Reflections On The First Months Of Pre-Field

 “

You’re young, you can handle it.”

 

            If I had a dime for every time I’ve had this said to me, I’d of been on the field months ago…

So many times within the past few months, I’ve confided my deepest struggles to someone only to be met with this statement- as if the trials and the hardships weren’t that big of a deal because of my age.

 

When you’re twenty-four, there’s no excuse for burnout. But there I was, six months into pre-field, dealing with just that. Every day I woke up, I did the exact same thing- I went to work from nine to six and maybe fit a few church calls into my thirty minute lunch period. My only days off were Sunday and Wednesday which were often filled with more church obligations and missions meetings. 

 

Week after week it was the same thing- go to work for nine hours every day and make a barely livable paycheck, then somehow find time to squeeze in the ministry. And as time went on, this schedule began to work less and less….

 

The daily demands left little time for self-care or self-reflection. I began to lose weight and lose heart. Depression took it’s strong foothold in my life once again, and I simply could not see a way out. I was burnt out and overwhelmed, not from the demands of ministry, but from all the demands that kept me from doing them. While teammates rejoiced in raised support and successful ministries, our lives seemed stagnant. I often shed tears as my heart ached and longed to be on the field I had been called to….

 

Over the past month, I hit what felt like rock bottom. My secular work was not lining up with my ministerial work at all and they seemed to be constantly at odds with each other. On top of that, we were in the process of selling our home and uprooting our lives. We got rid of 90% of our material things and had next to nothing left to call our “own”. I paid one medical bill and almost instantly found out I’d need another surgery in the next few weeks. It seemed like one thing after another and it was enough to push me over the edge.

 

It was during this time that I chose to pick up a few books to read along with my Scripture every day. Books on burnout, on rest, and on replenishing the soul. It was then that I realized my own shortcomings and addictions were a big part of it.

 

No, I’ve never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, but when it comes to busyness I can’t get enough. Somewhere in my early years as a gymnast I was convinced that busyness equals success and that success equals significance. If you’re not in pain, you aren’t working hard enough-that was the mentality I was conditioned to believe. Unbeknownst to me, I have carried this into my adult life and ministry. I work hard because I feel significant when I do and there is never a time I feel more insignificant than when I’m “resting”. 

 

The Bible clearly has it’s take on this and the life of Jesus is just one example. He didn’t thrive on busyness for significance. Instead He took more time to spend alone with His Father and found significance simply in being with Him. The older I get, the more I long to be that way- to find peace in life by just simply being with Him rather than constantly striving for Him. He longs for that relationship- He longs for that type of rest to characterize our lives on a daily basis. But this is not simple to keep in mind when the world constantly teaches you otherwise. 

 

I may be young, but burnout doesn’t discriminate. Strive to “do” long enough and you will forget how to “be”- at least I did, and now I am turning to God for the strength I need to heal from it. It is probably best I learn this lesson early in our ministry, but the reality of my addictive personality has shook me to the core and I can only pray that the Lord will continue to lead me down a path toward a healthy, balanced soul. 

Just because “I’m young” doesn’t mean “I can handle it.” And truth be told, I believe that is sincerely the point God wants us to understand. Until we do, life may be nothing but a constant hurricane of expectations and obligations. We will never be truly at peace.